@Expectations Page 11

  How long has she been here? In Zan’s Tower the lacy curtains blow in the ocean breeze while Lark talks and talks without saying much. He wants Reverdy in place so he can tell them both at the same time. Waiting has left them strung taut. Because they’ve been hanging in space for several seconds with nothing new on the screen between them, Zan says, “OK, Lark, I don’t know what’s holding him up but I have to go soon. What’s the matter?”

  “OK,” Lark says finally. “The ’rents have set a deadline. If I don’t get out they’re throwing me out.”

  “Are you OK?”

  “Not really. It was the father. I have till Friday. He…”

  “What set him off?”

  “You don’t want to know. If a person doesn’t have anyplace to go, where does a person go?”

  “I’m not sure. I’m exploring options.” Jenny wants to say, you could come and live with us, but she’s unsure. Lark’s passions are more manageable at a distance. What’s he really like? Abstracted, he’s easy to see into and in the abstract, his problems seem soluble, but she can’t guess how much physical space he occupies because they’ve never met in physical life. What would he be like living in her house, in 3-D and living color and carrying whatever baggage his parents have freighted him with? What would happen if she presented Charlie with this troubled, needy souvenir of her secret love, and how could she explain? Patient of mine. I could tell Charlie he’s a patient of mine, staying with us until he gets on his feet. Or say I hired him to babysit … It’ll never wash. Lark is Lark and Zan knows him through to the soul but he’s part of a life so remote from Brevert and Charlie that she can’t begin to build a bridge from Lark’s offline life into hers. She does what she can. “I can send you startup money. First week’s rent?”

  “Nobody’s going to rent a room to me. Not RL. People don’t like me.” This is not what he means. He can’t say the rest.

  “I’ll write recommendations. Find you a job.”

  “I can’t get a job because of the thing with the hospital.”

  “Ex-mental patient. Right. And your folks won’t help…”

  “Forget it, that’s over.”

  “Oh, Lark! What about your big brothers?”

  “They’re twenty years older than me. They’ve got their own problems. Shit, I might as well go back to the ward.”

  “Don’t even think that!”

  Lark admits, “Look. It was about the fire in the kitchen.”

  “Fire!”

  “Pretty much.”

  “God, what did you do?”

  “It’s kind of embarrassing.”

  He’s just about to tell her when Reverdy comes. On StElene everybody multitasks. It is possible to hold a secret conversation with another person in the middle of a crowd. Because it’s programmatically possible to do this while carrying on a public conversation, Reverdy is both talking to Lark and whispering to Zan. His speeches will show up on both Zan’s and Lark’s screens—the rest is directed to her alone. “Zan. Love … Hey, Lark!” At the same time he whispers, just to her, [Dearest! I can‘t stay!]

  [Reverdy, oh my darling hello do you know how much I’ve missed you?]

  Lark says, “Rev, terrible troubles at home.”

  [You know I love you and I can’t stay and it’s killing me!] Reverdy turns to Lark, “Problems?” even as he says privately [Trouble I can’t talk about right now]. He is rushed, intent on other business. He tells them both, “I can’t stay. Something’s come up.”

  Zan flinches. [Lover, are you all right? What’s happened? The project? Something with Louise? God, tell me it isn’t Louise!]

  Lark says, “Is it the Directors?”

  Reverdy doesn’t answer. “I have to go.” [I can’t tell you now. I’ll explain when we’re alone.]

  [But when are we going to be alone?]

  Lark may guess there is a private conversation going on, but he can’t know. He says, “Look, Reverdy, I’ve got big troubles RL. Man, my folks are…”

  “Lark’s folks are kicking him…” Zan whispers, [Five minutes!]

  [I don’t even have five minutes.] Reverdy says to Lark, “Hang in, guy. We won’t let it happen.” He is quick and loving and distracted. He doesn’t tell Zan what’s come up that makes it so impossible to stay or which sector it’s in—whether it’s his unloving wife or one of the kids or trouble on his research project or a dispute with the Directors here. “Remember what I told you,” he says to Lark. “What they say can hurt you but it won’t kill you.” He warms Zan with a secret caress. [I love you. Tomorrow.]

  Lark cries, “Where am I going to go?”

  [Tomorrow! I could die before then.]

  [But you won’t. You never do.] “Lark, I’ll do what I said on the phone. I’ll call the dean at your ex-college. Denver, right? I can pretend to be your dad, whatever. Make them promise you a room in the dorm. Can you handle living in a dorm again?”

  Jealousy clenches a fist in Zan’s belly. “You and Lark have talked on the phone?” If they have, they won’t tell her. It’s eating Jenny up, that she doesn’t even know where Tom lives and Lark has spoken to him on the phone.

  On StElene Lark brightens. “I could try. Would you? Call them?”

  Zan puts it to him. [You’ve talked, RL? Lark has your home number and I don’t?] She already knows this is a question Reverdy will let pass. In the erratic world of telnet connections, Zan is never sure if tough questions get lost in space or overlooked or consciously ignored.

  Her lover tells Lark, “If I say the right things, maybe we can get you reenrolled.” It is Reverdy’s pleasure to do favors. It’s how Tom and Jenny met in the first place [Oh my God, Zan, I do love you!] “Then all we have to do is line up financial aid for you.”

  Jealously, she tries, [Maybe you and I should both go to see the poor kid. Work with him.]

  [You know I can’t.]

  She can’t let this Stand. [From the Dak Bungalow Zan strokes your throat. “Some day…”]

  [And some day my darling we’ll have time … ] He leaves her hanging on the promise.

  This. This is what keeps her coming back. Things you can’t say, but that you whisper. [Oh God, Tom. I wish we could be … ]

  While Lark describes the scene with his father, Zan and Reverdy make what they can of the moment, communicating in a privacy that is charged with romance.

  [Together? But we are.]

  [Forever. For real.]

  [We’re more together than Charlie and you or Louise and me. We’re together in eternity!]

  Interesting how a few words can make up for everything.

  [And for eternity.]

  [Exactly.] Everything.

  Lark is saying, “You don’t get it. The ’rents have set a hard deadline. The father wants me out of the house by Friday night.”

  Reverdy says, “Friday! Are you sure it isn’t just a threat?”

  “From what Lark says, they really mean it this time.” Being so close to the man she loves and not being able to get closer is the worst thing; the separations kill her. [You really can’t stay?]

  [I love you, but no.]

  [Then I’m going to type @exit now because I can’t do this. I can’t be here and not be able to be alone with you; I love you too much and I can’t.] It’s late here in Zan’s tower and it’s getting late downstairs in Charlie’s bed. She imagines she hears Charlie stirring, his breath filling the hallway and curling up the stairs. Soon it will be light. [I can’t keep losing you. I hate goodbye.]

  And as he and Lark talk, Reverdy invades all Zan’s secret places, with his touch reaching all the way to Jenny, as soft and pervasive as smoke. [Neither can I. Dearest, I touch you here.] But he has responsibilities. On StElene her lover is everything to a lot of people. “Remember what I said last night. You’ll be all right,” he tells Lark. “Try doing what I said.”

  [Last night?]

  “But what if it doesn’t work?”

  [You never told me you and Lark were here without me,] she wh
ispers, betrayed.

  “I’ll make the call.” Reverdy begs the question. [Tomorrow night, my dearest. And longer. Better! Same time.] “Lark, I’ve got stuff going on RL but trust me, it’s going to be OK.”

  [Tomorrow.] Because Lark is upset and depends on her, because Reverdy expects it, Zan says, “Lark if you need it, I can write a bangup letter to your college about what a terrific student you are. They have to believe me, I’m a shrink.” [ReverdyReverdy. I could die before then.]

  [Darling, don’t die! I can’t live without you!] Reverdy promises because promises here are easy, “Be cool, Lark. Some day Zan and I will get a place. You can come live with us.” [You are my life.]

  She fixes not on the declaration but on the possibility. “A place.” Not Zan’s fault her heart leaps. Her heart leaps even though she doesn’t know if he means a place RL or here. Love makes her generous. “With us,” she says to Lark. This isn’t true, but the three of them thrive on fantasy. It’s one of the attractions of this place. And in Lark’s imagined life in an ideal world he has real parents—Reverdy. Zan, who whispers to Reverdy, [Love!]

  [Love.]

  Lark brightens. “Really?”

  “Count on it, Lark.” Sometimes Zan thinks this with Reverdy is even sweeter because they are always caught like this, suspended at the brink of departure. If they could be together forever, would they get enough of each other, and get tired?

  “You guys are great.” Lark beams.

  “You’re pretty cool yourself.” Reverdy whispers, [It’s trouble with her.]

  [Who? Mireya? Louise?]

  [ … trying to destroy me, the hateful, vindictive …]

  Zan can’t be sure which woman is ruining his life. She can’t be sure if he means life here or life back in the house where he and Louise circle, hissing like scorpions, [If only I could …]

  [But you can’t. I love you but I have heavy things to deal with. You see?]

  [Of course I see; I love you and I always see.] She doesn’t. “Oh, Reverdy!” Zan’s heart is running out of control. [Tomorrow.]

  [Tomorrow we can be together.]

  Zan presses. [Promise.]

  Lark says, “Sometimes I just want to die…”

  [Oh my love oh Zan, I do.]

  “No you don’t, Lark. Really.” Zan spins her life out on these tomorrows. “Sleep on it. I promise, tomorrow will be better.”

  Lark slouches miserably. “It had better be.”

  [Now, disconnect so I can disconnect, just to prove that you love me.]

  “It has to be,” Jenny says to Lark, to Reverdy, to herself as she quits the place. “It has to be.”

  She types @exit. It’s like turning out all the lights in the world.

  @thirteen

  REVERDY

  “Love is to a man a thing apart. ’Tis woman’s whole existence”

  —George Gordon, Lord Byron

  Zan, if you have to ask me what that means, there’s no way I can explain it.

  If there is a tension between VR: virtual reality and RL: real life, nobody relishes it more than Tom Dearden. With Zan logging on from the east coast and the Dearden house located so far north and west that Tom’s room gleams with refracted light from a midnight sun, their clocks are perpetually out of synch. The minute his lover disconnects, sorrow slips off Reverdy like a velvet cloak and he disappears into the game. Perfect, it waits for him.

  These are some of the ways you guard yourself against incursions. First, travel light and always live alone. Too late for Tom Dearden. First there was Louise, so pretty at first! Then the pregnancy. Marriage. Another kid. No money. Life circumscribed by this house, when Tom grew up thinking he would go out and roam the world. In retreat from a daily life that’s less than tolerable, he needs the power that he has on StElene. In the physical world, he supposes, he is no more or better than any other person. His superiors on the project fob him off with half-answers; Louise often forgets what he is saying before he’s finished; even his kids don’t always listen.

  Here, he has effect. In the kingdom of the blind the one-eyed man is king. An intelligent, sophisticated programmer is de facto a member of the ruling class. If StElene is the new Memory Palace, then Reverdy is its prince. Live the life of the mind and you are master of a world you are creating. It’s a little like being God.

  Never mind what the room looks like where Tom Dearden sits typing. It’s only a launching pad. StElene is the world to him. The one place where he’s happy and safe. Everything he cares about is here. He is deeply invested in the way things work. His ego is tied up in it.

  He will do anything to protect his position here.

  For Reverdy, heaven is not a theological location. Relentlessly agnostic, he thinks of heaven as an area of the spirit where truth floats. He actually believes there is a best world, and that he can help make it. A place where truths are told on a new, higher plane, where all things are equal and nothing is held back. Where promises are kept and people bring the best of themselves to the unending feast of ideas. And everyone can know everything at once.

  If there is indeed an existential plane on which everybody comprehends everything at once, Reverdy thinks, there is the outside possibility of convergence. Minds and spirits together forever in a state of elevated consciousness that another kind of thinker would call the mind of God. People on StElene either love Reverdy or they hate him. And the truth he hides? He is an idealist.

  He does what he can.

  Today he begins by sending posts both here and IRL on behalf of Hubert Pinkney, a.k.a. Lark, who has major problems in his life outside the box. Can the shy, wildly intelligent kid make it outside his basement room? Should he go back to college, where he self-destructed in the first place, or does he belong in the state hospital? At this distance, it’s hard to know. Feeling a little like a storefront psychoanalyst, Reverdy posts a note to *problems, in hopes of getting feedback from players who’ve survived something similar. He’ll email RL from the university account set up for him through the history project. The profs Tom works for may be able to do Lark some academic favors. Unless they’re so pissed off by Tom’s views on the project that they delete his mails unread.

  Lark isn’t the only person Reverdy is helping, here or in physical life. Life in a community like StElene is built on support, friends reaching out in the night to others who are also connected, like minds caught like stars in an invisible net; when someone is in pain, the entire web jangles. Hear that person out, say the right thing and make them feel better—what a rush! Do something about it and—that’s power. He loves networking. He loves doing favors and being thanked. It’s easy to do favors here, and Reverdy knows how these things are done. He can hack his way into any system, and has. Now, that’s real power.

  On StElene Reverdy is a hero, in his own way.

  It’s easy to be a hero here. Therefore when he goes out among the people here Reverdy is loved as well as hated. Even the ones who hate him—certain Directors, Mireya, Azeath—treat him with respect.

  When he’s taken care of Lark he runs @find, to see who’s on StElene today, and where. With whom. If they’re friends, he knows it. If they are politicking against him, he knows it. If they’re badgering the Directors with petitions to erase him, he knows and, grinning with delight, he will take them on in the ballroom or in savagely articulate posts to *sex and *pol (for politics), the two hottest mailing lists. His sardonic posts are famous. Nobody knows that he keeps them all! In addition to pirating crucial bits of the operating system, Reverdy has downloaded the stored-up acrimony of two dozen disputes—his with Mireya! In case.

  He has more friends than enemies connected today. Some of the brightest are logged on, along with known flakes and assholes that Reverdy loves to bring down.

  It’s time to go out and show himself to the people.

  He starts with arrogant, pretentious Mink, who Reverdy happens to know is a graduate student RL. “If you’ve solved Fermat’s Last Theorem, show me. Paste in the pro
of.” Some days he reduces Mink to tears; fair’s fair, he thinks, imagining smug, supercilious Mink sobbing at his keyboard in some university office. “Just MOOmail me the answer,” he says, letting Mink off the hook for today.

  Then he pulls Nebraska’s chain: “So, you really believe in capital punishment? Don’t you know that in civilized countries, governments brand their criminals on the forehead and set them free?” Hit her PC button with an un-PC thought and watch her rant; it’s all part of the game. Grinning, he moves on.

  Sometimes he hangs out in the music room, flirting. But only when Zan is gone. He learned a hard lesson from Mireya. But he gets off on dancing on the edge of discovery. Part of the fun of StElene is making people angry and staying out of trouble and the other part is getting in trouble and talking his way out of it.

  Today he visits Articular, his friend the blocked painter who stays logged on for hours, designing new environments for role-playing games, for the Dungeons and Dragons types who come to StElene to try their skills. Articular xknows the world loves games but a game is only a game. The pleasure is in creation. Sometimes he and Reverdy lose hours tinkering, while outside the locked bedroom door RL, Tom hears Louise yelling at their children; if he stays logged on and doesn’t intervene, she won’t hit them—or so he tells Zan.

  He and Articular have built a topiary maze inhabited by a monster; find the lantern, the sword and the mantle of invisibility, plot your moves like a chess player and you can slay the thing. They’ve coded a man-eating Barcalounger and a following settee. Stare deep into the mosaic Articular has coded in The Roman Forum and you disappear into caverns that would impress Tolkien. Test your wits and skill in the process of escaping. Here there’s no problem that can’t be solved and there’s a way out of every trap.